Those things that happen and we never fully understand. When circumstances change, relationships dissolve, disappointments ensue and what was once comfortable is now uncomfortable. When things around us begin to deteriorate and we suddenly find ourselves doubting what we know...or thought we knew.
It happens all-the-time.
Throughout the life of my blog, I can attribute my silence to this very thing. Smack dab in the middle of a story is traditionally when I attempt to write...draft, after draft, after draft. In the beginning, I didn't intentionally not delete my drafts...but over time I did make the decision to keep them all. They tell a story all on their own. At first, it felt messy, to keep all of these barely-started-unfinished drafts in the Posts section of my blog...but now I look back and see provision in all of the mess. In the middle of any one of the stories in my life, that is when I find myself most inclined to cry out in complete desperation to just understand! Why Oh Why Oh Why?! Why me, why now, why this...what good is in any of it?!? I start a draft that's full of way too many details and way too much emotion...I get tangled up in what to share and what not to share...then the story fades as I realize the selfish motives behind why I start to write. I want to know, I want to understand...I Want Answers. I want comfortable in the uncomfortable and sometimes, I even want someone to pay for what they've done to me...to my family. It's an absolute ugly mess. The story sits...it goes unfinished...a draft, forever...as it should.
Things fall apart all the time because people are messy...this world is messy. And when you have a bunch of messy people living in a messy world, it is guaranteed that you will encounter disappointment of all kinds.
I firmly believe that God is the author of my story, not me. He knows the beginning, the middle and the end. He created me and He loves me, and this story is for His glory...not mine. Our story is made up of tons of mini-stories...the good, the bad and the ugly and I believe in God's sovereignty over each and every one.
Knowing the whole story wouldn't require my faith. Each and every draft I have created was in essence created out of insecurity and fear. Isn't the choice faith or fear? I don't believe that the presence of fear means an absence of faith...but I do believe that faith must tip the scale over fear if we are going to move beyond the mess...the draft. The stories in my life that make sense to me...that I understand...they don't typically result in this profound moment of choice. They don't typically encourage me to dig deep in my faith and to trust what God has planned for me. They don't produce the perseverance that is evidence of God in my life.
I would rather trust that God is working everything together for good in my life than exhaust myself with knowing the whole story...but I have to choose that every time...in every story. Faith is a choice, growth is a choice and I believe when God is glorified in our lives, it is in part, because we have chosen both.
It is the uncomfortable truth behind why I don't understand...and I'm okay with that.
~Whitney
James 1:2-4New International Version (NIV)
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Romans 8:28New International Version (NIV)
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
