I was sleeping really good until I wasn't. And now I'm so stressed out I can't go back to sleep. So here's to writing down my thoughts in order to place them in God's hands and prayerfully find peace and rest.
Nights around here are hard to explain. There are few that go by that Tessa doesn't need a diaper change, or juice or a snack. Unlike the boys, she doesn't communicate specifically about those needs prior to us putting her in bed. And that right there is actually the biggest difference...we physically "put" her to bed. She doesn't get the opportunity to request a bedtime snack or admit she needs to potty one more time or ~ the classic ~ get up after being tucked in, for that one last sip of water. There are lots of things that Tessa doesn't get to choose ~ physically ~ so we do our best to navigate her emotions with her, after a choice is physically made for her. It can be a difficult challenge, especially in the middle of the night.
I believe God gives us those nighttime ears to listen. On nights I'm in a deeper sleep than Darin, He is faithful to nudge him. On this night, His nudge was for me. I feel like it took me too long to respond ~ but I have to sit here and trust that God is good and His timing is perfect. Tessa's cry/communication was faint...like she was a lot further away than usual. We have a monitor in the hallway between Weston and Tessa's rooms so that we can hear when either of them needs help in the night. But really, God does the listening and stirs us to respond.
When I was finally awake enough to respond, I was very concerned. My heart started pounding and something just didn't feel right. I rushed to her room to find her almost completely face-down between her pillow and a stuffie on her bed, barely able to cry out for help, struggling to breathe. Completely physically helpless. I quickly rolled her back over and saw the panic on her face. My heart broke. She was sweating profusely...almost dripping with sweat. Her breathing was labored and her whimper communicated the stress and fatigue she was experiencing. I have no idea how long she was struggling to breathe. I don't know if it really did take me a long time to finally get up and respond to the muffled noise coming through the monitor, or if what I walked in on has caused absolute concern and doubt that I responded quick enough.
I can't imagine being placed on my side to sleep, then finding myself face down in a pillow and stuffie, sweating, trying to breathe, trying to ask for help, and completely helpless to maneuver physically to find air, to not be trapped. I'm incredibly claustrophobic and it brings me to tears to assume the stress and fear wrapped up in what Tessa experienced. I'm sure there are nights where her very vociferous cries have gone unattended to ~ we are human! And maybe on those nights God saw our weariness and need for rest and allowed us to continue sleep instead of stirring us for what He knew to be a 12 year-old's adamant request for that midnight snack. I don't really know how it all works, but I do know, that's what it means to me to walk by Faith and not by sight.
It's been over an hour now and Tessa has a new diaper, her baby doll in hand, vanilla wafers in her belly and has had plenty of juice to rehydrate from her stressful ordeal. As I type these final words, she is drifting off peacefully with me sitting right here by her side.
It's times like these that I have to remind myself that God's Got This. For real, I ain't got nothin!!!
These are the experiences that remind me just how human we are and how much I need God's help. Acknowledging His Goodness, His timeliness, His Sovereignty ~ it is crucial for me. The minute I feel alone, scared and inadequate in this life He's given me, and with the care of these little lives He's given me, is the minute I bow my head thankful that I'm not alone, I'm not in charge and I can trust that God will stir me to respond 
Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
It's not the lambs fault, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pissed off at the little guy for a bit 
#stinkinstuffie
#stinkinstuffie
~Whitney
