There are so many times in Tessa's life that I have wondered what she's thinking. Being a parent to a child that is nonverbal isn't really something you can prepare for...it isn't something that ever seems to get any easier, either. We have been through all kinds of communication approaches with her, but at the end of the day, her means of expressive language is with her eyes....and on occasion, with her hands.
Early on we were trying every potential form of expressive communication with Tessa. We went from auditory/verbal therapy, to sign language, to pictures, to communication devices...and now, our go-to...which is just plain and simple choice making. Tessa makes choices with her eyes and sometimes with her hands. She'll choose from pictures or real objects, but the key is to watch her face and watch her eyes...that is where she communicates from...that is how she is best understood. And that SMILE! Man, it is ridiculous how infectious her smile is. We've heard that since day one and it makes perfect sense...because when people aren't listening to you, they are looking at you...for some kind of indication that things are ok...that you are happy with your current circumstances...maybe that you feel understood and safe.
The most troublesome times for us with Tessa are when she's hurting and she can't tell us how or where. Or when she needs something and we lose our ability to guess correctly. It is brutal to not know how to care for your child sometimes. There are so many situations that we have dealt with that have given us more insight and wisdom on how to handle certain situations for Tessa....but there are soooooooooo many that are new, all the time. What most people don't realize is that Darin and I spend day in and day out working through the process of elimination. You know, like you do with an infant...have they been fed? diaper changed? burped? are they tired? It is the self-care side of life where we find ourselves, sometimes pros, and sometimes, complete and utter failures.
The failure part is real, ya'll. Like for-real. I am not the most patient person and the inability to problem-solve and the cycle of misunderstanding, can drive me absolutely mad. And the irony of it all...is that I end up frustrated at the very person that is frustrated with me because I can't figure it out. Yep...I get so incredibly frustrated with Tessa sometimes. She's 7 1/2, she has such an opinion, she has likes and dislikes, she's a princess and a diva...I love her with every ounce of me, but when I can't figure out what she needs or wants...I end up frustrated with her. Who am I to be frustrated? She's the one that is trying to express to me, but I am the one that can't figure it out. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we get it wrong...but what 7 years of life with a non-verbal child has taught me, is that being understood is a messy process with results of love and intimacy that can be achieved in no other way.
See, I may not understand what Tessa wants and needs all the time, but I promise you I KNOW HER. Inside and out and everything in between...I know her. She knows that I know her, and she knows that I see her...and in those moments of intense stress and frustration, she can trust that I will keep on keepin on until we Get. It. Right. It may take a million tries....of which I kick and scream through half...but, we get there. And it's the messy process of love and commitment that gets us there.
I've spent the last week trapped in a vicious cycle of confusion and misunderstanding. It has been brutal. Whenever something goes wrong in my life I am so quick to try and figure out what I'm supposed to learn from it. Why did it happen? What did I do to cause it? Did it have anything to do with me? Or was it inevitable circumstances gone sideways? I can spiral out of control in a really scary quick way with all of the questions in my mind. The biggest one of all....How am I so misunderstood??? I'm not sure I will ever know the answer to that one...but I sit here tonight and realize that maybe it is less about the answer to the question...and more about the messy process and the results of that messy process.
All I keep thinking about is being Tessa's mom...what's it like to be one of the two people in this world that knows her and loves her more than anyone else. God has taught me my greatest lessons in being Tessa's mom...some of the very greatest and very hardest lessons...and while I don't have some fancy wrap up for this...I'm realizing that it's not the answers that matter this time...it is the commitment to be exactly who God created me to be. If I failed to understand Tessa today...if I missed something that she was trying to tell me, I can lay my head down tonight and know that I will get up tomorrow and try and do better. If God is working out a plan in my life and I have failed to understand, or if I have missed something He has been trying to tell me...I will lay my head down tonight and know that I will get up tomorrow and try and do better.
It is frustrating to be on any side of misunderstanding....no one wins, but only if it's about the winning. Cause when it's about knowing someone, understanding someone...and a commitment to the messy process...you get up tomorrow and try and do better.
~Whitney
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