We had our pictures taken again this year on October 29, 2017 by the ever most talented
Margaret Murray with Splendiferous Photography!!
Saturday, November 4, 2017
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Misunderstood
There are so many times in Tessa's life that I have wondered what she's thinking. Being a parent to a child that is nonverbal isn't really something you can prepare for...it isn't something that ever seems to get any easier, either. We have been through all kinds of communication approaches with her, but at the end of the day, her means of expressive language is with her eyes....and on occasion, with her hands.
Early on we were trying every potential form of expressive communication with Tessa. We went from auditory/verbal therapy, to sign language, to pictures, to communication devices...and now, our go-to...which is just plain and simple choice making. Tessa makes choices with her eyes and sometimes with her hands. She'll choose from pictures or real objects, but the key is to watch her face and watch her eyes...that is where she communicates from...that is how she is best understood. And that SMILE! Man, it is ridiculous how infectious her smile is. We've heard that since day one and it makes perfect sense...because when people aren't listening to you, they are looking at you...for some kind of indication that things are ok...that you are happy with your current circumstances...maybe that you feel understood and safe.
The most troublesome times for us with Tessa are when she's hurting and she can't tell us how or where. Or when she needs something and we lose our ability to guess correctly. It is brutal to not know how to care for your child sometimes. There are so many situations that we have dealt with that have given us more insight and wisdom on how to handle certain situations for Tessa....but there are soooooooooo many that are new, all the time. What most people don't realize is that Darin and I spend day in and day out working through the process of elimination. You know, like you do with an infant...have they been fed? diaper changed? burped? are they tired? It is the self-care side of life where we find ourselves, sometimes pros, and sometimes, complete and utter failures.
The failure part is real, ya'll. Like for-real. I am not the most patient person and the inability to problem-solve and the cycle of misunderstanding, can drive me absolutely mad. And the irony of it all...is that I end up frustrated at the very person that is frustrated with me because I can't figure it out. Yep...I get so incredibly frustrated with Tessa sometimes. She's 7 1/2, she has such an opinion, she has likes and dislikes, she's a princess and a diva...I love her with every ounce of me, but when I can't figure out what she needs or wants...I end up frustrated with her. Who am I to be frustrated? She's the one that is trying to express to me, but I am the one that can't figure it out. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we get it wrong...but what 7 years of life with a non-verbal child has taught me, is that being understood is a messy process with results of love and intimacy that can be achieved in no other way.
See, I may not understand what Tessa wants and needs all the time, but I promise you I KNOW HER. Inside and out and everything in between...I know her. She knows that I know her, and she knows that I see her...and in those moments of intense stress and frustration, she can trust that I will keep on keepin on until we Get. It. Right. It may take a million tries....of which I kick and scream through half...but, we get there. And it's the messy process of love and commitment that gets us there.
I've spent the last week trapped in a vicious cycle of confusion and misunderstanding. It has been brutal. Whenever something goes wrong in my life I am so quick to try and figure out what I'm supposed to learn from it. Why did it happen? What did I do to cause it? Did it have anything to do with me? Or was it inevitable circumstances gone sideways? I can spiral out of control in a really scary quick way with all of the questions in my mind. The biggest one of all....How am I so misunderstood??? I'm not sure I will ever know the answer to that one...but I sit here tonight and realize that maybe it is less about the answer to the question...and more about the messy process and the results of that messy process.
All I keep thinking about is being Tessa's mom...what's it like to be one of the two people in this world that knows her and loves her more than anyone else. God has taught me my greatest lessons in being Tessa's mom...some of the very greatest and very hardest lessons...and while I don't have some fancy wrap up for this...I'm realizing that it's not the answers that matter this time...it is the commitment to be exactly who God created me to be. If I failed to understand Tessa today...if I missed something that she was trying to tell me, I can lay my head down tonight and know that I will get up tomorrow and try and do better. If God is working out a plan in my life and I have failed to understand, or if I have missed something He has been trying to tell me...I will lay my head down tonight and know that I will get up tomorrow and try and do better.
It is frustrating to be on any side of misunderstanding....no one wins, but only if it's about the winning. Cause when it's about knowing someone, understanding someone...and a commitment to the messy process...you get up tomorrow and try and do better.
~Whitney
Early on we were trying every potential form of expressive communication with Tessa. We went from auditory/verbal therapy, to sign language, to pictures, to communication devices...and now, our go-to...which is just plain and simple choice making. Tessa makes choices with her eyes and sometimes with her hands. She'll choose from pictures or real objects, but the key is to watch her face and watch her eyes...that is where she communicates from...that is how she is best understood. And that SMILE! Man, it is ridiculous how infectious her smile is. We've heard that since day one and it makes perfect sense...because when people aren't listening to you, they are looking at you...for some kind of indication that things are ok...that you are happy with your current circumstances...maybe that you feel understood and safe.
The most troublesome times for us with Tessa are when she's hurting and she can't tell us how or where. Or when she needs something and we lose our ability to guess correctly. It is brutal to not know how to care for your child sometimes. There are so many situations that we have dealt with that have given us more insight and wisdom on how to handle certain situations for Tessa....but there are soooooooooo many that are new, all the time. What most people don't realize is that Darin and I spend day in and day out working through the process of elimination. You know, like you do with an infant...have they been fed? diaper changed? burped? are they tired? It is the self-care side of life where we find ourselves, sometimes pros, and sometimes, complete and utter failures.
The failure part is real, ya'll. Like for-real. I am not the most patient person and the inability to problem-solve and the cycle of misunderstanding, can drive me absolutely mad. And the irony of it all...is that I end up frustrated at the very person that is frustrated with me because I can't figure it out. Yep...I get so incredibly frustrated with Tessa sometimes. She's 7 1/2, she has such an opinion, she has likes and dislikes, she's a princess and a diva...I love her with every ounce of me, but when I can't figure out what she needs or wants...I end up frustrated with her. Who am I to be frustrated? She's the one that is trying to express to me, but I am the one that can't figure it out. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we get it wrong...but what 7 years of life with a non-verbal child has taught me, is that being understood is a messy process with results of love and intimacy that can be achieved in no other way.
See, I may not understand what Tessa wants and needs all the time, but I promise you I KNOW HER. Inside and out and everything in between...I know her. She knows that I know her, and she knows that I see her...and in those moments of intense stress and frustration, she can trust that I will keep on keepin on until we Get. It. Right. It may take a million tries....of which I kick and scream through half...but, we get there. And it's the messy process of love and commitment that gets us there.
I've spent the last week trapped in a vicious cycle of confusion and misunderstanding. It has been brutal. Whenever something goes wrong in my life I am so quick to try and figure out what I'm supposed to learn from it. Why did it happen? What did I do to cause it? Did it have anything to do with me? Or was it inevitable circumstances gone sideways? I can spiral out of control in a really scary quick way with all of the questions in my mind. The biggest one of all....How am I so misunderstood??? I'm not sure I will ever know the answer to that one...but I sit here tonight and realize that maybe it is less about the answer to the question...and more about the messy process and the results of that messy process.
All I keep thinking about is being Tessa's mom...what's it like to be one of the two people in this world that knows her and loves her more than anyone else. God has taught me my greatest lessons in being Tessa's mom...some of the very greatest and very hardest lessons...and while I don't have some fancy wrap up for this...I'm realizing that it's not the answers that matter this time...it is the commitment to be exactly who God created me to be. If I failed to understand Tessa today...if I missed something that she was trying to tell me, I can lay my head down tonight and know that I will get up tomorrow and try and do better. If God is working out a plan in my life and I have failed to understand, or if I have missed something He has been trying to tell me...I will lay my head down tonight and know that I will get up tomorrow and try and do better.
It is frustrating to be on any side of misunderstanding....no one wins, but only if it's about the winning. Cause when it's about knowing someone, understanding someone...and a commitment to the messy process...you get up tomorrow and try and do better.
~Whitney
Thursday, September 28, 2017
A Bull In A China Shop...
I'm more of a bull in a china shop than a delicate flower....
It's weird how many times in the last several months that I have been faced with questions that require me to search my soul in one way or another. The kinds of questions that make you look inward to discover a little more about who you are...what makes you tick...how you thrive in this thing called life.
It's almost 3 a.m. and I have no idea why I can't sleep or why I can't get this off my mind. I mean, I've written on this blog all of like 2 times this entire year...you'd think another day passing, of not taking the time to jot down my thoughts, would fall right in line with how I've operated every other day of this year! But the nudge this time is strong...it's a nudge that's keeping me awake...so I figure, if I can't sleep...I might as well write. Tomorrow (or today, really) I might be sorry...but for now, my head is full...so we'll give this a go.
This year has been an absolute mess for me. It has taken me to places I thought I'd never be and I've arrived there just beat to crap...and it's only the end of September. I'm kinda ready to call it a year. Have you ever had a year like that? A month? A week? Where you survive it...but you're so bloodied up and bruised that you have no idea how it was even worth surviving? There's growth in pain...I know this. God has taught me well. And sometimes I feel like maybe it's a lesson we could go ahead and move on from, you know?...and yet, here we are...yep, still here...still learning...still in pain...still growing.
My year started out with unexpected and intense devastation. I wrote about it back in April. I lost my job January, a job I had had for over 11 years. The job that brought us to Oklahoma and the place where I found and established much of my identity. By April, I was in a good place...I had clarity and was full of gratitude for what I could see that God was doing in my life. I can honestly say today...that I'm not feeling so grateful. I'm working on it and I know that the peace and joy that God desires for me is attainable outside these walls of ungratefulness. But I don't think it's as easy to find, in all seasons of life, as we think it is during those particular seasons where it just shows up.
I'm thankful for God's goodness and that His mercies are new every morning. Those things are foundational for me...they don't waver with my seasons and my situations. Even in the most intense pain and devastation, I don't question God's goodness and sovereignty in my life. Here recently, those very things are the things that get me out of bed each day and keep me mucking on. I'm not on this Earth for the things that work well for me. I'm not here to live out my dreams or to conquer all that I set out do. I am here to be the hands and feet of Jesus...to open my life up willingly in order for His purpose to play out for my life. I don't get to pick and choose the pain or the successes He has for me. If I did, I can promise you it would look NOTHING like what it has. It's His, not mine, and I'm ok with that.
He does Kingdom work with my life. He does the kind of work that only He can do...the kind that knows the beginning and the end and purposes things in the middle, strategically and very specifically so that, in the end, the glory is His. He is gracious to give us glimpses of His purpose...of His plan...the unfolding of the inner workings of the miraculous...but I think often times, we end up bloodied and bruised wondering how the hell we even got here. Sometimes we do get to see pieces of what He is doing...other times, we don't. That's the way things go, this side of Heaven. It shouldn't be a shock, but sometimes it just is.
I've had battles and demons around every corner since January of this year. Ugly ones. The kind that make me question who I am, what I'm doing, and how I could ever be worthy of Kingdom work. The kind of battles where you freakin show up the loser, and then you just continue to get pounded. Every second of every day, dealing with doubt and fears that try to convince you that you weren't chosen. The kind of defeat that tries to convince you that Christ didn't die on the cross for you that day....that there is no way His blood could cover you...everything you've failed at or the disappointment that follows you around like a shadow. I'm not sure there has ever been a year that I have felt more inadequate or incapable of being someone worthy enough to be called wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister.....
I literally thank God that my worth is not defined by me and my feeble-mindedness. I'm thankful that my feelings aren't facts...they are wayward, difficult and fleeting and they hold no defining authority on who God says that I am.
So, to all these questions that keep coming up this year that are causing me to look inward and discover things about myself...on a very simple survivalist level, they have led me to realize...I am a bull in a china shop. I am destructive to anything and anyone around me. I am destructive to myself. I face battles and demons that I have already conquered, but that are crossing my path again. Don't put me in a corner...don't make me squash the power, control and independence I feel that allows me to survive. Don't throw things at me that require more than what I'm capable of and expect positive results.
As Merriam-Webster says it:
It's weird how many times in the last several months that I have been faced with questions that require me to search my soul in one way or another. The kinds of questions that make you look inward to discover a little more about who you are...what makes you tick...how you thrive in this thing called life.
It's almost 3 a.m. and I have no idea why I can't sleep or why I can't get this off my mind. I mean, I've written on this blog all of like 2 times this entire year...you'd think another day passing, of not taking the time to jot down my thoughts, would fall right in line with how I've operated every other day of this year! But the nudge this time is strong...it's a nudge that's keeping me awake...so I figure, if I can't sleep...I might as well write. Tomorrow (or today, really) I might be sorry...but for now, my head is full...so we'll give this a go.
This year has been an absolute mess for me. It has taken me to places I thought I'd never be and I've arrived there just beat to crap...and it's only the end of September. I'm kinda ready to call it a year. Have you ever had a year like that? A month? A week? Where you survive it...but you're so bloodied up and bruised that you have no idea how it was even worth surviving? There's growth in pain...I know this. God has taught me well. And sometimes I feel like maybe it's a lesson we could go ahead and move on from, you know?...and yet, here we are...yep, still here...still learning...still in pain...still growing.
My year started out with unexpected and intense devastation. I wrote about it back in April. I lost my job January, a job I had had for over 11 years. The job that brought us to Oklahoma and the place where I found and established much of my identity. By April, I was in a good place...I had clarity and was full of gratitude for what I could see that God was doing in my life. I can honestly say today...that I'm not feeling so grateful. I'm working on it and I know that the peace and joy that God desires for me is attainable outside these walls of ungratefulness. But I don't think it's as easy to find, in all seasons of life, as we think it is during those particular seasons where it just shows up.
I'm thankful for God's goodness and that His mercies are new every morning. Those things are foundational for me...they don't waver with my seasons and my situations. Even in the most intense pain and devastation, I don't question God's goodness and sovereignty in my life. Here recently, those very things are the things that get me out of bed each day and keep me mucking on. I'm not on this Earth for the things that work well for me. I'm not here to live out my dreams or to conquer all that I set out do. I am here to be the hands and feet of Jesus...to open my life up willingly in order for His purpose to play out for my life. I don't get to pick and choose the pain or the successes He has for me. If I did, I can promise you it would look NOTHING like what it has. It's His, not mine, and I'm ok with that.
He does Kingdom work with my life. He does the kind of work that only He can do...the kind that knows the beginning and the end and purposes things in the middle, strategically and very specifically so that, in the end, the glory is His. He is gracious to give us glimpses of His purpose...of His plan...the unfolding of the inner workings of the miraculous...but I think often times, we end up bloodied and bruised wondering how the hell we even got here. Sometimes we do get to see pieces of what He is doing...other times, we don't. That's the way things go, this side of Heaven. It shouldn't be a shock, but sometimes it just is.
I've had battles and demons around every corner since January of this year. Ugly ones. The kind that make me question who I am, what I'm doing, and how I could ever be worthy of Kingdom work. The kind of battles where you freakin show up the loser, and then you just continue to get pounded. Every second of every day, dealing with doubt and fears that try to convince you that you weren't chosen. The kind of defeat that tries to convince you that Christ didn't die on the cross for you that day....that there is no way His blood could cover you...everything you've failed at or the disappointment that follows you around like a shadow. I'm not sure there has ever been a year that I have felt more inadequate or incapable of being someone worthy enough to be called wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister.....
I literally thank God that my worth is not defined by me and my feeble-mindedness. I'm thankful that my feelings aren't facts...they are wayward, difficult and fleeting and they hold no defining authority on who God says that I am.
So, to all these questions that keep coming up this year that are causing me to look inward and discover things about myself...on a very simple survivalist level, they have led me to realize...I am a bull in a china shop. I am destructive to anything and anyone around me. I am destructive to myself. I face battles and demons that I have already conquered, but that are crossing my path again. Don't put me in a corner...don't make me squash the power, control and independence I feel that allows me to survive. Don't throw things at me that require more than what I'm capable of and expect positive results.
As Merriam-Webster says it:
The beauty in this realization is that all I have to do, is let that go. All I have to do is surrender my thinking...surrender my control...to turn my eyes upward instead of inward for answers to questions that I don't know. I am honestly in this season of life and I don't know who I am. It's a fog...a haze of missteps, confusion, intense disappointment and regret. It's a season that feels stuck in a cycle that I am so ready to be done with...I'm ready wave my white flag, bloodied and bruised and beg for a way out.
Sometimes the next step is to simply shift our thinking from inward to upward. Sometimes it's to choose thankfulness and joy when it all starts getting too heavy. And sometimes the next step is a two-step...it's when someone graciously hands you that white flag...and encourages you to wave it.
I won't ever be a delicate flower...it's just really not my style. I cuss a little too much and have a rebellious streak that will likely keep me pretty grounded on the bull side of things, but what God does...that's different. The bull is who I say I am, but I can't wait for the day when I get the opportunity to see who God was in me.
~Whitney
Friday, August 11, 2017
In The Beginning...
The Beginning of our journey 7 years ago...
This is a unique time of year for me...every year, since 2010. Obviously we are transitioning and preparing for school to start, but it was this time, 7 years ago, that the life we saw ahead began to look so very different.
I made a trip to Amarillo this last weekend with the boys. We visited my Dad and Karen and I was able to see some of my dearest friends...a middle school/high school friend, my college roommate and a friend from when Darin and I were first married. It was a beautiful opportunity to be with my boys, share old memories and make new ones!! I hope to recap that trip here the next time I find some time.
This was the last picture I took of Tessa before we were met with information that would add clarity and change the way we did life from that day forward.
Tessa was NOT a happy baby. She looked adorable the morning of her appointment, but the look on her face is all we ever saw. It was her normal...and maybe on this day, a bit worse since she was also fighting an ear infection. But this was her...never happy, never smiling...just sweet baby Tessa...that took all of our energy, all of our sanity, and had us in a constant state of desperation to calm and help her find peace and rest throughout her days and nights. We were holding out for the 6 month mark for her to 'grow out of the horrid colic' that had also plagued Parker...but Parker's wasn't near to the extent it had plagued our little girl.
Thursday July 29, 2010
Saturday July 31, 2010
I'm going to caption this one below so that you can see the drastic difference between Thursday and Saturday. Wow. This hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday as I was reading through old emails and remembering this time of year, 7 years ago. This is probably my most favorite picture of all time...with her IV Hat and all. That GRIN....those CHEEKS....we had NEVER seen those before. Tessa was born 4/8/2010...and for 3 1/2 months, life had been hell...and for the very first time, after hellish tests...a multitude of questions...and so many mysteries surrounding what plagued her...we had suddenly found ourselves in this new environment...in a place where we were receiving answers....and we got this...and God was gracious enough to allow us to capture it on camera.
Tessa experienced a seizure on Thursday evening...the day we checked her into the 10th floor of Baptist hospital. We didn't know why we were there...but had been given some ideas of things to watch for and sure enough, after the stress of a spinal tap to check for the possibility of meningitis, I saw something strange for the very first time, a seizure. On Friday morning neurology was on the team and by Friday evening we had seizure medication on board. For the first time in over 3 months our sweet girl was able to experience life without seizures. While our hearts broke both imagining and realizing how traumatic those first 3 months had been for her...our hearts leaped for the relief and new found joy we had with our sweet baby girl.
Here is the email I sent out to family and close friends on Monday August 2, 2010
(Before you read I will say...as you get toward the end of the email you will notice I was dead wrong about Tessa's hearing...it always annoys me when I re-read this email because while something tugged at me since her birth that something just wasn't quite right...I was completely wrong about her hearing. We are pretty sure the CMV took her hearing completely by 2 weeks old because she passed her newborn hearing screening and around the 2 week mark is when we found ourselves completely helpless to console her. I realize now, that our facial expressions and our closeness to her is likely how she was finding some comfort...not from any verbal or vocal efforts we were attempting)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi everyone, I wanted to take a minute and try and bring everyone up to date the best I can. We plan to start a blog to have a centralized place to post updates, but until we get back home to our computer, I'll have to use my email.
We have had a fairly peaceful couple of days. Tessa has only had one minor seizure since the scary one she had Thursday night (that we are aware of). In a strange way it was encouraging to see, because it gave us a better idea of what the doctors have been telling us to watch for. She started seizure medicine on Friday night and as long as it is working for her it will be what she'll be on for all her years to come. The only side effect is sleepiness, and so far hasn't been too bad. It has been amazing to get to know our baby girl...since she started the medicine we have seen a whole new side of our precious little angel! We have had more peaceful moments in the last 24 hours with her than we've had in her almost 4 months now with us. It is a blessing to have a baby that finally feels good enough to give us some incredibly special smiles !! We got pictures of them last night and I will share them soon.
Tomorrow will be a busy day. She will have an MRI done sometime tomorrow (don't know exactly when yet) and should know results within a few hours. We will finally know the results of the blood cultures from the blood work they did on Thursday. We will know the results of some urine analysis, which will tell us whether or not the virus is still active in her or not. Knowledge that will help us protect those that might come in contact with her that might not be CMV positive (most concerning for pregnant women that don't know if they have ever been exposed to CMV or not- I was CMV negative which is why we are where we are today). Tessa's pediatrician came and visited us tonight and wanted us to know that he is doing his research on all this and has a few things he would like for them to test tomorrow as well. It's a lot of details, so for now I will leave it at that. He also would like them to re-perform the hearing screening that was done at birth and also perform an eye exam. I swore to him that I just know Tessa can hear us..I've been singing to her since day one and I know she hears me :) Darin and I are preparing ourselves for a vision obstacle. I don't feel like she has ever really 'seen' Mommy or Daddy...but it's always been perfectly clear that she's knows by our voices that we are near. We realize that her lack of vision will more than likely be only one of many obstacles to come, but we'll be taking a day at a time and trust that the Lord WILL provide for every moment along the way!
I don't know that any of the information that we learn tomorrow will change anything. The neurologist has said that the damage to the brain has already been done, it will just be more evident to us the more she grows.
I'm not sure I've covered everything I hoped, but I figured there might be lots more to share tomorrow so at least that email won't be near as long now :)
We are so incredibly blessed by, and thankful for, all the thoughts and prayers sent our way. It's like I told my sisters today: I guess we just know that God hand-picked these two precious kiddos just for us and we're here to make our God proud with the responsibility we've been given!
Thank you all for loving us, supporting us and joining us on this journey with our sweet Tessa Rayne.
-Whitney
Here is the email I sent out to family and close friends on Wednesday August 4, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Everyone,
I apologize if the information I cover in this email is redundant to any of you, but if you don’t mind, please forward this on to whomever else you believe would like to have the information.
Today has been another very busy day. In the last couple of days we have been forced to digest a combination of continued test results with discussions of future plans for Tessa’s necessary care.
Tonight is our last night here at Baptist and tomorrow we will explore our options going forward with The Children’s Center in Bethany.
Our goal was to begin a blog for Tessa once we returned home, but since we are not exactly sure when that will be, my sisters have offered to help us start and maintain a blog for Tessa until Darin and I are able to take over. Many of you will notice that the information they have posted thus far is similar to the emails I have distributed to my friends. I figured I had already gathered my thoughts once for an email, that they might as well use those to get the blog up and running. As of this evening the blog is not up-to-date, but it will be very soon.
www.bynumfourblog.blogspot.com
All we can ask is that you will continue to share your thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement with us. We have been overwhelmed by the love and support we have received since last Thursday, but fear that as the information becomes more readily available, we will begin to feel more isolated on our journey. We have said from day one, that we welcome anyone that would like to join us on this journey ~ please continue to let us know that you are here with us….walking with us….caring for us. It is my prayer that this blog will not only allow for up-to-date information for everyone concerned, but that it will also allow more time for relationships to form with those that have chosen to be a part of what God is doing in our lives.
Thank you again for the all of the love, support and prayers…they are carrying us through every moment of every day.
Looking forward to building relationships and watching a really special little girl impact our lives!
~Whitney
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Tunnels & Caves - - Go Be You
This is so
heavy on my heart right now.
There is so
much pain and heartbreak going on in this life. It is often a constant struggle
to wake up and believe God is enough, every day. It's hard to describe what all
I'm thinking...but honestly, NONE of us are exempt from heartache and sin.
NONE. The blood shed on the cross wasn't meant for just one struggle, at one
point in time in your life. We all have hard and it doesn't mean one hard thing
at a time. It can mean many hard things all at one time, and even fear of
impending things.
Christ's
blood was shed to cover it ALL...all of the mess in all the tunnels we find
ourselves in. And I believe we are meant to shine a damn flashlight for others
when we have walked through, and can see a bit clearer, in these dark tunnels.
As believers....I truly believe at times, the decisions we make, are made out
of pain and fear...and are during seasons of life when we lose our way and
forget that God is absolutely enough. We don't set out to hurt ANYONE...it is
usually our best effort to try and push thru the pain. We all have pain. We all
suffer loss. We all deal with crap and regret. It can hit us in moments and we
never see it coming, and we can get in so deep that we spin in constant pain
and struggle. We are broken and yet we WANT to come out on the other side of
the dark tunnel.
Choosing to
believe that God is enough...it's not a one time choice...it's every day. Just
like we get up every day and we have to choose to live. We have to choose to
trust God for our steps throughout the day. The grace in the tunnel????
.....it's that the tunnel is NOT a cave.....it has an opening at the other end
if we can Just get thru to it. As believers, I think there can be so much shame
placed on us...as if we should somehow be exempt from these tunnels....but man
we are not.
Sometimes we
just need some grace, we need a flashlight up ahead...or right now...to know
someone will shine it at our feet and allow us to share our mess that led us
into the tunnel. But we also need those that will stand strong with a
flashlight in hand, until we reach the light and the relief of being on the
other side. There is another side!!! And there are also more and more tunnels
up ahead. But thru each tunnel, if we can grow and learn to believe that thru
the struggles, God is always enough...we can learn how to venture down other
roads.
*If you're in
the tunnel...keep pushing forward and walking in the dark and hold tight to the
realization that it's a tunnel, NOT a cave.
*If you've
come thru a tunnel and have taken a deep breath, go get a flashlight and shine
it at the feet of another.
*If you've
journeyed many tunnels and have found grace and forgiveness in each and every
one...grab a light, journey with those around you, and celebrate that moment
when they breathe in that fresh air.
We have so
much to give each other. So many ways to love each other. And the easiest part
of all of it...is that all it requires, is for you to be YOU. Go be who God
made you, and is molding you, to be...and when it's your time...shine the damn
flashlight 😘
This little girl is teaching me something every day. Because of her, I have incredible people in my life...changing it...all the time!
~Whitney
Monday, July 17, 2017
13 Years and Counting!
Then 7.17.2004
and Now 7.17.2017
and So Much in Between!
2.17.2007
8.2.2009
12.11.2010
3.6.2011
4.29.2012
8.12.2012
7.28.2013
5.5.2014
5.12.2014
5.29.2014
6.27.2014
12.7.2014
5.18.2015
6.19.2015
9.26.2015
11.19.2015
12.4.2015
3.27.2016
7.17.2016 - 12 years!
10.11.2016
12.8.2016
1.21.2017
Friday, April 21, 2017
Longevity & Life
Longevity - long existence or service / the length of time that something or someone lasts or continues / the amount of time you work in a given career
It's safe to say that 2016 was a whirlwind. I missed the opportunity to document so much of life for me and my family and it all makes me really sad. But I'm sitting here today...on the other side of 2016...thankful. Genuinely and deeply thankful for what God has done and is continuing to do in my life.
I've been waiting and waiting for the "right time" to write again. It's been awhile ya'll. I like to try and have things thought out and be intentional about what I share and when. But I'm ready for a change. It's time to be vulnerable in a way that I haven't been in a while. There will likely be details and moments that might not quite come together for the reader...but for me, it's time to do this. It's time to hit my re-start button and move forward in this new season of life where God is working so intimately in me.
November 7th 2005. My first day at a new job...a job that would take me over 11 years down the road. I didn't realize on that day, that what I was walking into would become longevity in my life. A job that would move me and my husband to a new state. A job that would bring the purchase of our first home together...a job that would sustain us through three pregnancies and the birth of our 3 amazing kiddos. A job that would allow for us to care for the delicate details of our family through Tessa's diagnosis and the very fragile and intense initial years of her life. A job that provided us the ability to purchase an accessible 'forever home' to raise our family and provide ease of living long-term for Tessa. A job where I spent 4 years in one particular position and then 7+ years in another. Both related and service oriented...and most days I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. After all, we didn't uproot our existence for some short-term gig...I think we had 'longevity' in our thinking all along.
There are so many moments, so many seasons, throughout those 11+ years that God made His plan and His purpose so very clear. There was incredible provision and we always did our very best to approach that provision humbly...not anything that we did or we deserved...simply God's provision for us and our family. Having relocated with the original company...at times, there was emphasis placed on my "longevity" at the company. The number of us that originally relocated, dwindled through the years, and after 11 years...that number had dwindled a lot. The provision through the longevity was indeed a gift. And on a surface/superficial level, the direct result of that longevity, felt like financial peace and security.
January 24th 2017. My last day at the place I had worked for over 11 years. It was an ending that I could have never prepared myself for...a shock. The initial devastation and confusion was intense but all-in-all, I would say fairly short-lived. I was 23 years old when I started and 34 on my last day there. God knew I could have never walked away from that job. He provided for our needs through that job and it wasn't something I could have given up. He knew that I cared so much about the people I provided a service for and I loved my job. Many would probably say I wasn't much cut out for 'corporate life'...but I had definitely found my niche. I have never really been a 'climb the ladder' type of person. My goal was to do the very best job that I could and to provide the best service I could provide. I was content and I cared deeply about the people...people have always come before anything else for me.
I sit here now, toward the end of April...almost 3 months since my life totally changed...and I can honestly say, that there is no doubt in my mind why. Even through the devastation that ensued that day, as I walked to my car and left that downtown building for the very last time, I knew it was exactly what God had planned for me. He knew it all along...and the time had come and He was cluing me in a bit on His plan.
Tessa was having a rough day at school that day, and since it was mid-day and I found myself in shock and with absolutely nothing to do, I went to school to see her and check on her. I was a train wreck, but her snuggles and the pat of her hand was exactly what I needed. I waited around and sat with Parker for lunch. I was visibly upset and when I told Parker I had lost my job, he gave me a hug and simply said "I thought that might be it...because Fridays are the only days you have ever been able to have lunch with me" (it was a Tuesday). There was much professional stress for me throughout the entire year of 2016 and he was keenly aware of that. Sweet boy...how he is able to digest the tough stuff like he does, is beyond me. I mean, God, in and through him, of course.
I knew it was time for me to be still. I did NOT want to miss this opportunity to hear and see exactly what God had on the horizon for me...for my family. I made just a couple of intentional contacts initially...but that was all I was prepared to do. I knew that this change was intended to be pretty huge and I wanted to make sure that I was allowing pieces to fall into place without imposing my own desires and control. I made the couple of connections, I filed for unemployment, and I started tending to all of the necessary 'business' that comes with losing a job. But I also woke up daily, desperate to feel the peace that I knew God had for me. At times, it was the absolute strangest combination of peace and anxiety. The big picture felt so right...but the details of the day to day were cumbersome. It's funny how that happens sometimes.
Two months ago today, I started my new job. The two initial contacts that I made, were the only two that were necessary. God already had His people in place to rally around me. His plan, it's there, if we realize that it requires us to take the time to stop and see it, embrace it. There is something about longevity that I think can cause the light to dim in our lives. Time and time again, throughout scripture, Jesus is doing a new thing. He is engaging, healing, teaching, encouraging. He is loving a new person and opening the eyes of those around Him. I realize now that the light had dimmed in my life. It was time to take my heart and my gifts to another realm...to begin having an impact by allowing God to work through me...through change and transition...and ultimately to grow me through the processes of doubt and insecurity. To grow me through the loss of longevity and to help me see that the only thing of value in this life, is the longevity in my relationship with Him. That is where life comes from.
~Whitney
*For the last few months I have been using #brighterdaysahead with my postings on facebook...and I just realized the symbolism with this post...there indeed are brighter days ahead because I believe God is bringing light back to a life that had dimmed. I don't look back on things with disappointment or regret, I just realize that when God says it's time to change, it's time.
It's safe to say that 2016 was a whirlwind. I missed the opportunity to document so much of life for me and my family and it all makes me really sad. But I'm sitting here today...on the other side of 2016...thankful. Genuinely and deeply thankful for what God has done and is continuing to do in my life.
I've been waiting and waiting for the "right time" to write again. It's been awhile ya'll. I like to try and have things thought out and be intentional about what I share and when. But I'm ready for a change. It's time to be vulnerable in a way that I haven't been in a while. There will likely be details and moments that might not quite come together for the reader...but for me, it's time to do this. It's time to hit my re-start button and move forward in this new season of life where God is working so intimately in me.
November 7th 2005. My first day at a new job...a job that would take me over 11 years down the road. I didn't realize on that day, that what I was walking into would become longevity in my life. A job that would move me and my husband to a new state. A job that would bring the purchase of our first home together...a job that would sustain us through three pregnancies and the birth of our 3 amazing kiddos. A job that would allow for us to care for the delicate details of our family through Tessa's diagnosis and the very fragile and intense initial years of her life. A job that provided us the ability to purchase an accessible 'forever home' to raise our family and provide ease of living long-term for Tessa. A job where I spent 4 years in one particular position and then 7+ years in another. Both related and service oriented...and most days I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. After all, we didn't uproot our existence for some short-term gig...I think we had 'longevity' in our thinking all along.
There are so many moments, so many seasons, throughout those 11+ years that God made His plan and His purpose so very clear. There was incredible provision and we always did our very best to approach that provision humbly...not anything that we did or we deserved...simply God's provision for us and our family. Having relocated with the original company...at times, there was emphasis placed on my "longevity" at the company. The number of us that originally relocated, dwindled through the years, and after 11 years...that number had dwindled a lot. The provision through the longevity was indeed a gift. And on a surface/superficial level, the direct result of that longevity, felt like financial peace and security.
January 24th 2017. My last day at the place I had worked for over 11 years. It was an ending that I could have never prepared myself for...a shock. The initial devastation and confusion was intense but all-in-all, I would say fairly short-lived. I was 23 years old when I started and 34 on my last day there. God knew I could have never walked away from that job. He provided for our needs through that job and it wasn't something I could have given up. He knew that I cared so much about the people I provided a service for and I loved my job. Many would probably say I wasn't much cut out for 'corporate life'...but I had definitely found my niche. I have never really been a 'climb the ladder' type of person. My goal was to do the very best job that I could and to provide the best service I could provide. I was content and I cared deeply about the people...people have always come before anything else for me.
I sit here now, toward the end of April...almost 3 months since my life totally changed...and I can honestly say, that there is no doubt in my mind why. Even through the devastation that ensued that day, as I walked to my car and left that downtown building for the very last time, I knew it was exactly what God had planned for me. He knew it all along...and the time had come and He was cluing me in a bit on His plan.
Tessa was having a rough day at school that day, and since it was mid-day and I found myself in shock and with absolutely nothing to do, I went to school to see her and check on her. I was a train wreck, but her snuggles and the pat of her hand was exactly what I needed. I waited around and sat with Parker for lunch. I was visibly upset and when I told Parker I had lost my job, he gave me a hug and simply said "I thought that might be it...because Fridays are the only days you have ever been able to have lunch with me" (it was a Tuesday). There was much professional stress for me throughout the entire year of 2016 and he was keenly aware of that. Sweet boy...how he is able to digest the tough stuff like he does, is beyond me. I mean, God, in and through him, of course.
I knew it was time for me to be still. I did NOT want to miss this opportunity to hear and see exactly what God had on the horizon for me...for my family. I made just a couple of intentional contacts initially...but that was all I was prepared to do. I knew that this change was intended to be pretty huge and I wanted to make sure that I was allowing pieces to fall into place without imposing my own desires and control. I made the couple of connections, I filed for unemployment, and I started tending to all of the necessary 'business' that comes with losing a job. But I also woke up daily, desperate to feel the peace that I knew God had for me. At times, it was the absolute strangest combination of peace and anxiety. The big picture felt so right...but the details of the day to day were cumbersome. It's funny how that happens sometimes.
Two months ago today, I started my new job. The two initial contacts that I made, were the only two that were necessary. God already had His people in place to rally around me. His plan, it's there, if we realize that it requires us to take the time to stop and see it, embrace it. There is something about longevity that I think can cause the light to dim in our lives. Time and time again, throughout scripture, Jesus is doing a new thing. He is engaging, healing, teaching, encouraging. He is loving a new person and opening the eyes of those around Him. I realize now that the light had dimmed in my life. It was time to take my heart and my gifts to another realm...to begin having an impact by allowing God to work through me...through change and transition...and ultimately to grow me through the processes of doubt and insecurity. To grow me through the loss of longevity and to help me see that the only thing of value in this life, is the longevity in my relationship with Him. That is where life comes from.
~Whitney
*For the last few months I have been using #brighterdaysahead with my postings on facebook...and I just realized the symbolism with this post...there indeed are brighter days ahead because I believe God is bringing light back to a life that had dimmed. I don't look back on things with disappointment or regret, I just realize that when God says it's time to change, it's time.
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