Quiet Pain

I've been doing lots and lots of thinking lately. Lots more thinking than writing, obviously, so I thought I'd take a shot at it today.

There's been a bit of a revolving theme in my life...quiet pain...unspoken pain...hidden feelings...the things we deal with that we fight so desperately to hide. For what reason exactly? That is what I'm trying to figure out. I'm not sure there will be any resolution to this post, simply because that is where I'm at...searching for ways to cope, how to deal, etc...praying for answers to help deal with the painful things in life.

I'm convinced we all have them. We all deal with those things that no one knows about...and we wouldn't share. Partly self-preservation, partly pride, partly fear of being misunderstood or even hurting someone else in the simple discussion of our pain.

I have several examples of what I am talking about...some I can share, others I won't. It's a constant battle in my head...what to do with the painful things in life that make us feel so trapped...so stuck in a rut that we feel like we will burst if the pain isn't resolved and if we can't share what troubles us.

I had a unique situation happen over the holidays...something I was completely unprepared for and felt incapable of dealing with. The hardest thing about the situation is that the pain that was caused was Absolutely Unintentional...there was no intent of hurting me, no maliciousness, nothing of the sort...but it was something that broke my heart. How do things like that happen...how is it that we can be so hurt over something that just happens because we are living life?

The situation: We were preparing for a big get together of family over the holidays. I was super excited about having so many family members together and just celebrating the Christmas season. I was unprepared for there to be a bit of a surprise guest at this get together...a friend of the family...but someone completely unknown to me. I have no doubt she is a precious woman, I didn't get to know her, but have no reason to think otherwise. She was accompanied by her two children, a son and a daughter. Her son was around 4 or 5 and her daughter....1. I don't know 1 and how many months (if any)...I just know, one. The vision so clearly in my head to this day, was seeing that adorable little one year old girl walk in the back door and at the same time seeing Darin emerge from the bedroom with Tessa in his arms after changing her diaper. The differences were painfully obvious and the unexpected shock of it all had me instantly unable to recover. This little one year old walking in in her precious little boots, adorable little dress and cutest little pigtails. I think at one point it was determined that Tessa was older than this little girl...not sure by how much...but older. The "ooo's" and "ahh's" were immediate and with every single one, the pain cut a little deeper and deeper. Why was I not in control in this moment? How in the world could a stranger's presence hurt so incredibly bad? How could I harvest such resentment in my heart for this entire situation? What was going on with me??

I know this is my life...I know these are the things I will inevitably have to deal with...I guess I've just been living a bit more under a rock than I realized maybe. Or grief hit me harder in that very moment than it has hit me in awhile. I tried so hard to sit at the table and just focus on Tessa and Darin and Parker...but the tears wouldn't stop. There was nothing I could do to stop the sadness. My heart was broken in the moment. I took a minute and texted my sisters. Telling them the situation and that I couldn't get a grip and that I just needed to text someone. I couldn't keep the pain quiet for some reason...I needed help. I had already texted Darin and he was fully aware of the pain I was dealing with...he was dealing with it too. I finally dismissed myself back to the bedroom...where I completely fell apart. Fearing the whole time that I was crying so hard that I would never be able to recover and enter the room again without be 'found out'.

As always, my sister's replies were so amazing: Hillarie's: "Sorry Whit, you have a miracle blessing and God sees you and knows your heart. Look into your sweet daughter's eyes and remember that God is the creator and lover of your soul. I love you and am praying for you!" and Lindsay's: "So sorry Whitney! I bet that is very hard and u have a right to be emotional. Just remember that you have a very special daughter in Tessa! Maybe you are needing to grieve some. Love you!" A lot of times I text my sisters together...and it is not unusual for their responses to be similarly powerful.

God sees me....and maybe I needed to grieve. Everything in those two texts I got back helped me deal with my pain. Encouragement to keep hope, to know I am loved and that everything is going to be okay. Things I know, and struggle with having to be reminded of. Why is it in our deepest moments of pain we can't pull from the promises we know? Maybe that's just me...maybe it's a lacking in my faith...a shortcoming on my part?

This was a painful thing, a hard reality, something that I couldn't keep quiet or hide...but there are so many other things...every day, all along this journey, that are so hard, that I do keep quiet and that hurt so much. Most of the time, I do just fine. Most of the time it's okay that it's quiet pain and emotions that are hidden because I can take them to the Lord and work through them on my own.

Unfortunately there are incredible feelings of failure when I'm incapable of handling emotions that I feel. I feel like a failure when I feel pain over something or someone that I know is unintentional. How is that my life? I don't want to walk around angry or bitter over what other children are doing and what my child isn't doing yet. I don't want to have a hateful spirit...and yet they are emotions that come up, out of nowhere sometimes, that are more difficult to sort through.

At home, things are perfectly normal. We have routines, we have ways of doing things that work for us that we don't even think about. Out-and-about...things are a bit harder. When I'm holding Tessa in a restaurant, feeding her a bottle, that is perfectly normal to me, until I look around and realize people are probably confused. Why am I holding a toddler in my arms like a baby...and why am I feeding her out of a bottle? Why do we not need a highchair? Why is the little girl not sitting up on her own? Eating table food? Drinking out of a sippy cup? What is that device flashing on her head? What are those 'shoes' on her feet? Why do they haul in that huge stroller and get in everyone's way?

It's great to hear people say "she is growing up so much!"...but it's hard too. We are moving out of the infant realm...and with that, some realities become even harder.

The other aspects of quiet pain that I deal with are things that are painful in life in general. We all have them...work is hard, time management is hard, financially it is very hard, family relationships are hard, lack of relationships is hard, not having any family around is hard sometimes. There's not much time to talk about the painful things sometimes. Obviously we are busy, as is everyone, and since the things that keep us busy are usually the things we are in constant communication about...it proves to be easier to just leave the other things, the other painful things, hidden and quiet.

I refrain from these types of posts...something I'm not sure I totally understand why I do, but I do. I mean I would never want Tessa or Parker to read anything I write and take away negativity from them...I would never want anyone to feel hurt by what I write or afraid to express emotion to me because of fear that I carry too much emotion on my own. Sometimes hearing others peoples fear and pains helps me feel a bit more normal. I wasn't prepared for the isolating effects of this journey...most of which I feel like are probably my fault. I wasn't prepared for it to be a struggle to even just figure out 'how to be' sometimes.

The only resolution I have for this post, at this time, is that the Lord sees me and knows my heart. I am so thankful for my relationship with my Heavenly Father that forgives me, shows me grace and mercy, and loves me like no one else can. My prayers have been that my focus will change, that I will fix my eyes on the Lord and what He has for me and the plan He has for my life. I think that's how the quiet pain and hidden feelings are resolved for me...I fix my eyes on things above.

~Whitney