Expectations & Doubt

So, we have been super busy. And definitely an unexpected kind of busy.  Things have been going really good and Tessa is making incredible progress these days.  Parker will be 5 on Monday! And things should start picking up with Tessa's transition to school coming up on her 3rd birthday, April 8th.

I've been thinking a lot about expectations and doubt.  What I have decided is that both tread very heavily on any journey of faith.  Obviously our faith involves trusting the Lord...in the good, the bad and the ugly.  The standard disruption of this very concept seems to be doubt.  Simply, if we are facing doubt, we aren't trusting that the Lord will see us through.  I try to combat my doubt, with my faith.  The other thing I've come to realize, is my struggle with expectations.  I am finding them to be equally devastating to my faith.  I'm not sure there is a realm in my life, other than my blessed journey with Tessa, that I don't create and rely heavily on expectations.  It is pure evil.  I didn't just wake up today and realize my struggle with expectations...it has been developing for many many years.  And I do not foresee ever fully being able to squash it, but what I do see, is that in the mere acknowledgement of it's power in my life, I can find some freedom from its grip.

It might sound strange to you, considering it is very strange to me, that many of the things I struggle with in almost every aspect of my life, don't tend to exist when it comes to sweet Tessa.  It is odd, but at the same time, it's not.  In the hospital, the day Tessa was diagnosed, Darin and I talked and prayed and immediately gave Tessa, and everything Tessa, to the Lord.  We could not do it alone.  We knew we could never walk out of the doors of that hospital, knowing what was ahead, and attempt any of it alone.  I have the very example of faith, trusting the Lord, and giving things over to Him, in this realm of my life....but the areas that it doesn't exist, are the ones that I selfishly choose to stay in control of and falsely believe I am competent and qualified enough, to walk in them alone.

I have to pray every day for the Lord to reign in every aspect of my life.  I have to pray for the day that the lessons I have learned and the freedom I have experienced will permeate every facet of my being.  I fail every day.  Sometimes I hide behind just being 'a detailed person' or 'planning it all out because that's what responsible people do".  Let's face it, this is control.  There is a healthy dose of it to be had, but when the light of freedom gets darker and darker...we can safely assume it's in excess.

I believe the Lord values our effort.  It's not about a prize, it's the pursuit.  If we have trusted the Lord, I believe He shows favor and extends forgiveness when we at least try to embrace the lessons He teaches.    And even though I will continue to fail, over and over again, I am so thankful for His endless love and mercy for someone like myself, desperate to walk fully in His grace.

My goal today is to have lightly-treading expectation and doubt, so the Lord can begin to restore me to a fuller journey of faith.

~Whitney