I feel defeated. It feels like every direction in my life has suddenly dead ended and instead of feeling hopeful and strong enough to fight back...I want to bury my head in shame. For me, defeat leads to shame. Shame over the fact that I wasn't strong enough to beat it...or wise enough to overcome it. Shame is ugly and has a powerful grip. The biggest questions in my life have come when I've worked so hard toward a goal...when I've faced every day with an assignment that needs my full attention...and then suddenly, it shifts. That shift makes me question...every time. Were my intentions wrong? Did I misunderstand the direction for my life? Did I lose my way and start fighting selfishly instead of with grace? Did I just totally miss the point? Should I suddenly feel punished or reprimanded?
Or maybe....strength means being able to withstand the shift....holding firm with hope and faith....knowing whatever it is, is better off in the hands of The Almighty. I'm so tired of waking up every day wondering when I lost this perspective. Trying to figure out, when exactly, the shame started creeping in. By the time I'm able to find enough clarity, it feels like it's too late...and the reality is that I've been here a while. Shame leads to darkness and darkness, isolation...and before you know it, this environment of the pit, is all around you. The pit is knowing what needs to be done, but feeling incapable of attaining it. Waking up every day wondering if I'm capable of anything good, is such a miserable way to live.
Maybe writing about it is my attempt to give it less power in my life.
Philippians 4:12-13 (NIV)
"12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty; I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
From Jesus Calling today:
"Fantasizing about future happiness will never bring fulfillment, because fantasy is unreality. Even though I am invisible, I am far more Real than the world you see around you. My reality is eternal and unchanging."
John 14:27 (NIV)
"27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
From Jesus Calling tomorrow:
"Living close to Me is a sure defense against evil."
As bad as I want to wrap this ugliness up with a pretty little bow...there is no bow. Sometimes life is just ugly, and finding the strength to just envision it better, is a chore...let alone depending on yourself to actually make it better. But scripture encourages contentment and peace...trusting in the Lord, and I know in this pit, that is the very thing my spirit is longing for...
~Whitney
Praying always for you Whitney, and for every "thing" in your's and Darin's lives... all that comes to you on a daily basis that had to be dealt with, all that comes up at particular times when you are totally bombarded with so many "new" situations that arise!! We read Luke 12:6-7 last night at our women's Bible Study... not one little sparrow is forgotten before God! He has even numbered every hair of your head. "Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows." God knows you, Whit! He knows every part of your heart! Rest in that fact! You are not "forgotten!" Love and hugs, Karen / Grandma Bynum
ReplyDeleteWhitney, I read your blog last night and you are still on my heart this morning. I would so like to wrap my arms around you and comfort you but I can't. But I know that our loving and faithful Father can & does. From what I have followed about you and your family in the last couple years I can't imagine how hard life is and continues to be but to think that you are not doing an excellent job in this life that God has entrusted you with is a lie from the enemy. The enemies biggest tools are discouragement, lies and when we are tired and worn down. He loves to jump into our weakest moments and plant seeds of fear, distress and unbelief. You are under the blood of Jesus and all the weapons formed against you will not prosper. Jesus died for you and your family and He is always faithful when we are in need. You have nothing to be shameful about, there is no condemnation in Jesus Christ. He is in the pit with you and is at work helping you to get out. Please don't beat yourself up, Jesus doesn't. The Holy Spirit is always speaking to us and wants you to hear how much you are loved and how you are a child of the most High King. You are His precious child and He loves you and your family more than you do. God knows you are tired and weary and He knows your heart, He knows the doubts and fears that you face everyday. He knows that you are a great Mom and wife. He also knows that we are frail humans and we stumble and fall but He is always there with His outstretched hand to help us up. It has been a long time since we have seen one another but I am sure you are more strong and beautiful than you were when we last meet. The refiners fire is very difficult but it makes us more lovely and gentle, kind and strong. No doubt I don't know what you are going through but I do know that God gives the strength to take one more step and then another to get through the long and difficult things that you are faced with everyday. You are loved by so many but most of all God and his unending and deep love. Cry, wail, and do all you can just for yourself and at the end God is still with you loving you more and more and best of all He understands your broken pieces and fills in the gaps that life sends our way. Love you and your family, praying for you and know that God is always at work in the heavenlies for you. Lord, I ask you today to life up Whitney and shine your face on her and bring her peace, joy, strength, hope, peace, faith and meet all of her needs. She loves you Lord and loves her family so much, bring her new understanding, wisdom, knowledge, strength and hope. Love you all, Karen Funnell
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