The question?
......
What if she hadn't been right there??? The emotion and fear was overwhelming. I was re-living the moments from Friday night during the seizure, that she wasn't taking a breath, when she should have taken a breath.
What if we hadn't laid her down in her nap nanny right there in the kitchen with us Friday night to fall asleep? What if we had put her in her room, in her own bed, to sleep that night? The seizure was silent. I only noticed something because I was sitting right there and saw her eyes pop open after she had been asleep a good 30+ minutes. We only reacted because she was silently gagging and it seemed as if maybe she was trying to cough or maybe choking.
As I was on the phone with the dispatcher that night, he had me kneel down by her and say "now" every time she took a breath in. I started and went consistently for a bit....and then a break....I don't know how long the break was, obviously nothing serious in the whole scheme of things...but the way it felt in the moment was long enough to think...to question...if she was going to take another one??
What if she hadn't taken another breath? What if we had put her in her room that night and never knew what was happening? What if???
How do you experience something like that and not experience fear? How do you not experience moments of complete despair imagining a different outcome if we hadn't been right there? It's a lot. It had me pleading with time to stop and stand still while I tried to process it all. I told Darin through my tears last night that I know we are not in control. God has made that so powerfully clear to us, time and time again, and we are so thankful that we're not. But the fear...the emotional toll an experience like that can take on your heart and soul...it can feel impossible to overcome.
It can feel impossible and then I am reminded by the One that loves us and created us...that the plans He has for us are good.
Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Isaiah 55:9-11 New International Version (NIV)
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
From Jesus Calling yesterday:
Approach this day with awareness of who is boss. As you make plans for the day, remember that it is I who orchestrate the events of your life. On days when things go smoothly, according to your plans, you may be unaware of My sovereign Presence. On days when your plans are thwarted, be on the lookout for Me! I may be doing something important in your life, something quite different from what you expected. It is essential at such times to stay in communication with Me, accepting My way as better than yours. Don't try to figure out what is happening. Simply trust Me and thank Me in advance for the good that will come out of it all. I know the plans I have for you, and they are good.
The exhaustion from the last week and a half makes it very challenging to process anything...especially the intense emotions and the fear. But what I noticed in scripture last night was that there was nothing but peace and clarity in God's word. He will accomplish what He desires and His desires for us are good. His plans include hope and a future.
The clarity in that message wins the war over fear. I am human, so the fear will exist...but the critical point is choosing to adjust my perspective so that my thoughts and emotions are ruled by these very promises in God's word.
~Whitney
~Whitney
Carisa Wilsie: Great scriptures for just the right time. Fear is real and debilitating. We all need something to fight against its grasp. Thanks for sharing. Praying for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteSandra Ward: Thank you for sharing this- your walk with Christ inspires me. And I have used you as an example to encourage other friends who are walking a path much like the one you are.
Valerie Parker: You're strength and honesty are truly inspiring! Thank you for sharing, we all need daily reminders of who places us where we belong.
Tara Bennett: Oh my goodness I have been experiencing such similar fears and feelings lately. I love everything you shared. The answer to my pleading prayers has been to live in today...satan wants us to worry about the future because that takes away our power today. I also love this quote and thought I'd share it. God bless!
Kristina Sheedy White: I must have missed something because I just read this post and it scared the heck out of me. I had no idea Tessa had such a terrible seizure and episode afterwards. Saying prayers for you all.
Megan Marsh: I am so sorry Whitney. I cannot believe you all went through this right after I saw you guys. I truly think deep down you knew something wasn't right on Friday and there was a reason you kept her with you that night. God works in ways without us even knowing it, and He told you without you knowing that she was going to need you on Friday. You are a wonderful mother, and I am constantly amazed at yours and Darin's strength and determination to give the world to Tessa and Parker. Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers. Love you guys!!
Becky Simpson: Whitney you have a wonderful way of expressing your thoughts and it is so great that you draw strength from the word of God. Fear is real for us humans as you said but with the armor of Christ we can have faith in his plans for us. Love Tessa with each day and thank God that he placed her there with you all that night. It wasn't a coincide, it was a part of the plan. Prayers for your piece.
James Hunt: The Word has been my source of sanity. Thanks for sharing out of your well of pain. Pain, yet wisdom emerging.
Sharron Bynum: So sorry for your scare and for Tessa's suffering. Gods plan was in place, and BTW, you write a pretty good sermon of encouragement. A. Kay
Sam-Karen Bynum: Oh, Whitney. .... Love you!
Karen Yule Mason: I know what we go through from a distance when we hear about these seizures, but to be there in ya'lls shoes, I can understand this fear, hand in hand with your faith. Love yall.
Lacy Tom Bynum: Loves and hugs sister!
ReplyDeleteGlenda Smith: Thank you SO mich for sharing the highs and the lows, the victories and the setbacks, the faith times and the times of fear. You are such a blessing to me. Sweet little Tessa has taught me more than I could ever imagine. You are on my heart and in my prayers, sweet momma.
Robyn Reynolds Miller: Tears. And relief that He is in control.
Kristin Collins: Hugs to you all!
Joanne Walkup: Praying that God will calm your fears. He had her right there with you for a reason. Jesus Calling says it exactly right when it reminds us that He is in charge, and knows everything before we do. That is really good to remember in hard times that He has us in the palm of His hand in all circumstances.