...you wouldn't be here today

Psalm 92: 1-5

1 It is good to praise the LORD and make music to your name, O Most High, 2 proclaiming your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night, 3 to the music of the ten-stringed lyre and the melody of the harp. 4 For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD; I sing for joy at what your hands have done. 5 How great are your works, LORD, how profound your thoughts!

Below are words I wrote for my husband.  It has been a really long time since I have put some of my thoughts down...and once I did, and after I shared them with Darin...we decided this place has been a such a place of growth and healing for me, that I'd give these words a chance to resonate with someone else. 

Very real and very raw, but God's goodness and mercy in my life are what give me strength to praise him for my past, present and future.

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I've been plagued with some really difficult thoughts...I would just say recently, but it honestly feels like it's been over the last year+ or maybe the last 14+, or most my life...I'm not for sure.  I know they only hold the level of truth I am willing to give them, so I've decided to write them down and share them in an attempt to release the hold I've allowed them on my life.

If you wouldn't have been intrigued by the "beautiful mess" I was in college...you wouldn't be here today.  If you would have realized all of the many things that made me that mess that I was...I suspect wisdom would have told you to walk away...not, go near.  If you would have seen me for who I actually was in life at the time you met me, there would have been many more indicators of doom, than indicators of a promise of what you hoped was ahead.  See, when I met you...I saw the picture of what I desperately wanted in life and knew if I didn't grab hold of it in the moment, it likely would never come again. I hadn't seen it in years, and feared I never would again...not with the path I was traveling.  In you,  I saw who I used to be, I saw how I was raised, I saw God and goodness and faith and humility.  I saw honesty, respect, love and patience.  Not that I was EVER patient...but you were made up of enough for the two of us 😏.  I lost my way my senior year of high school thru college. Between 1999 and 2003, I had absolutely lost my way.  I was so angry with God and with how my life had turned out.  The divorce of my parents as a Junior in High School...that was the tipping point...the point I started negotiating with God instead of surrendering to Him.  For just about 4 years I lived on my terms...accepting Christ into my life at the age of 7 meant nothing to me anymore.  I responded in anger and the hurt that fueled that anger, fueled mistake after mistake after mistake.  Four years, alone ~ living an existence that was very foreign to me, but determined to find my own way...a part from God.  I think you saw it, I know you heard me speak of the pain...but damn, if you wouldn't have been intrigued and allowed yourself to open up to me...you wouldn't be here today.

I had a point to prove in our first years of marriage.  I was hateful, controlling, mean, bossy, and carried the biggest chip on my shoulder ...and it was all directed at you.  You were the closest thing I had in my life...and maybe the closest thing I might ever have in my life...at the time, I think that was too much for me.  Too good to be true, kinda stuff.  I guess I worked harder at giving you every reason to leave, than trusting in your Godliness and goodness. If you wouldn't have stayed committed, if you wouldn't have taken all that hatred from me and persevered through it...I would be alone, where I probably should be and you wouldn't be here today.  In 2006, we had moments of a real partnership in marriage when we came together about the relocation to OKC with my job...I do remember allowing God to show up in ALL of that and I remember my attitude and dependencies shifting as I watched myself crumble under the weight of that kind of decision.  It had been awhile since I felt like I needed to depend on God...and He fueled that dependency through you.  But when I sit and think about where we are today, if you hadn't been intrigued by me, or married me, you wouldn't be here today.

I never realized how much weight I would carry as the 'breadwinner' of our family.  The salary I was making in Oklahoma was more than we had ever had and we finally found ourselves afloat.  Over an 11+ year career in the oil and gas industry, we were afforded opportunities of financial relief time and time again.  We had savings and life insurance and incredible health insurance/benefits...we had an ever-increasing salary and bonus and stock at our fingertips.  Until it was gone, I never realized the identity that had been created unintentionally and over time by a career that held me in chains to bread-winning.  You relocated to become an Oklahoma teacher...you are gifted beyond measure to teach, but no doubt another state would have served you much better.  If it wasn't for marrying and relocating with me, you wouldn't be here today.

A year after we moved we found ourselves pregnant for the first time.  The journey to becoming parents looked so bright....for a short season I wondered if maybe marrying me and relocating with me was gunna turn out ok after all.  We took the reigns in our pregnancy and our desire to stand firm in our relationship and support of each other by committing to a natural birth.  Everything leading up to it was perfect and beautiful.  A sweet baby boy was going to make us a family and the future looked so bright.  But that brightness got dim as we realized, the day of...in the very moments of that treasured time of natural labor that we had so desperately wanted and prepared for...that we were not supported by the medical professionals.  In fact, our decision was rather frowned upon and as we both remember so well, things suddenly went horribly wrong.  Not with our sweet baby boy...but with me.  The tragedy that happened in that room that day...changed me. Changed us. The absolute shame and horror I went through in those weeks after birth and the second surgery that I faced just 2 weeks postpartum...it wasn't anywhere close to the script I thought God was finally writing for us.  Not even close.  It was my new tipping point, and again, I fell deep into my negotiating with God instead of surrendering to Him.  If you hadn't married me, relocated with me and created a family with me, you wouldn't be here today.

A year or so later....the longest year I felt like I had ever faced...we wanted to expand our family.  We both knew what it was like to grow up with siblings close in age, and we wanted that for our kids.  We sought medical advice and counsel on how to proceed, because the tragedy of our first birth was not overcome and we weren't even sure if/how to move forward.  We got great counsel and were able to move ahead.  This time we would plan a c-section...it was likely the only way and definitely felt like the only guarantee for a safe and recoverable delivery.  Right after our baby boy turned two, we welcomed a baby girl.  A tiny baby girl.  The situation was a bit reversed this time, I did well and made it through the c-section fine...but our sweet baby girl had huge question marks surrounding her.  I left the hospital leery of sharing pictures or making too much of a big deal about her arrival.  My gut...didn't know what it was, just my gut.  Those next three months we grueling.  Our son had had colic, but just as the doctor's predicted, had grown out of it by 6 months old.  This time around we called it 'colic on steroids'...we were holding tightly to that 6 month mark....begging for it to show up in lightening fast speed.  No one understood, all thought we were overreacting.  Doubt, fear, shame...so many things surrounding the unknowns.  So, birth 1 - baby good, mama not so much.  Birth 2 - mom good, baby not so much.  Still full of anger and hurt by the way things had been playing out in our lives.  We just couldn't catch a break...couldn't catch a damn break.  And if you hadn't married me, relocated with me, or chosen to create a family with me, you wouldn't have endured any of that, and you wouldn't be here today.

As we both know, all too well, the transition from the last paragraph to where I'm going next, is quick.  From birth to just 3.5 months old...we walked into a doctor's office to follow-up on a persistent ear infection and left there headed right next door to the 10th floor of the hospital to be admitted with our very sick baby girl.  Our doubt and fears were FINALLY validated....with what, we didn't know...but it was all soon confirmed.  We went from enduring what we had been told would just be a grueling 6 months of colic....to the diagnosis of permanent disabilities.  Blindness, deafness, cerebral palsy, epilepsy...brain damage.  All the things in my head that had made me fight and scream and cry out ...why can't we catch a break...suddenly fell aside and the reality of our future came into view.  I remember it so very clearly...what God did that day.  What you did that day to solidify our family and our faith and how we would move forward.  You always did that, you have always done that....secured our footing when the ground was shaking beneath us.  But the truth still remained, and maybe the harshest truth of all ~ if you hadn't married me, relocated with me, created a family with me, and now with new knowledge... married a women that had never been infected with a little virus called CMV like most other people in the world had by my same age...you wouldn't be here today.

You know I understand that Tessa's diagnosis is not my fault.  You know I understand that there was nothing I could do about it...the medical profession is even limited in their ability to address CMV...but you also know how realistic I am...and the reality IS...Tessa is the way she is because my body didn't have antibodies to protect her while she was growing in my womb.  It's reality...but reality can carry a very heavy burden with it sometimes.  And the culmination of where we were ending up, proved a pattern of ...somehow Whitney screws it up and somehow Darin comes along and secures our footing.  It's the cyclical nature of our roles that bring with it an intense pattern of emotions for me.

By this time, I had concluded my attempts at negotiating with God.  In many ways, I was able to come full circle with my chain of suffering enough to feel that in it, God had created a strength in me to move forward.  For the most part, I shifted out of my anger and into determination for any and all things that would move Tessa forward in life and I found my own methods of contributing to the securing our footing and to the faith and forward movement of our family.  I was finally humbled enough to say...I can't do this alone.  I couldn't picture the days ahead and God was the only One that could help me figure out how to put one foot in front of the other.  I was still a professional, I was still the 'breadwinner' of our family...I was still mom to a little boy.  From day one of Tessa's diagnosis, it had never been clearer what Christ in my heart was all about.  The giver of life, the sacrifice given for all mankind...He created me and He would lead me and carry me down the path that I was created for...there was no doubt.  And maybe for the first time in my life, there was no doubt what my Savior was doing in my life.

As I read back through all that I have written, we both know that 2017 held the biggest volume of tragedy for us.  I can't reconcile in my head right now...the emotions tied to each of these past events and the emotions that culminated in this last year...but I do know there is a reason for it all.  In short, and for reference, I lost my job in January of 2017, we went to the poorhouse overnight, we lost several precious children in our HopeLink group and Grandma passed away just two days before Christmas.  I hope one day to write about how 2017 changed me and how it finally spurred me to allow GOD to secure my footing...it's my hope and prayer for a conclusion of sorts, that looks that way.  But for now, my heart is broken, my path is winding and there are tears at every turn.  Sometimes we can't make sense of things when we're right in the middle of them...most of the time, in fact.

But out of everything I have covered here...and the reason this is written for you, is because one aspect of myself that I have never grown into, is being a wife.  I don't believe there is any quality or characteristic about myself at almost 36 years of age that attest to a role as a wife.  The reason I have chosen to focus so much on "you wouldn't be here today" ....is because I believe when you set out to date me and to ultimately marry me...you were hopeful for a wife.  A lifelong friendship...a partner, a lover, a confidant...someone that would sacrifice it all to selflessly provide for your needs and help you when life got you down.  There is nothing else I have written about today that I can imagine entered your head when you wanted to choose to walk down the isle with me.  I remember that night at bible study, so clearly.  I was dating the guy sitting next to me...and I was shivering cause the room was so cold...and you got up from across the room and walked your jacket all the way around the group to me...in front of everyone!  Blew My Mind.  We hear about people going on date nights and being 'who they were when they were dating or when they were first married'....but this doesn't seem to hold true for us...date nights or the latter 😉 I don't have very many memories of that time in our lives.  I don't remember what it was like for me to be that person and my excuse is that it's because so much had happened in our lives since we were first married.  Maybe because we don't talk about it or simply because so much life has happened since then.  I guess as I'm typing now, I'm thankful for that precious memory...I'm thankful for the smile it put on my face to type it out just now.  I can remember the "ooo, burn!!" and the "ouch, dude you just got schooled" that came from the group as you confidently walked back to your chair.  But truth be told...when I think back now, part of me wonders...should I have taken your jacket back to you? Should I have refused it in the first place? Would that have been the better reaction to your action?  Would that have been a truer picture of what things would be like if you considered me walking down the isle to you one day?  But, I did indeed accept your jacket and my heart beamed.  My sincerest apology to you today is that I didn't, and haven't, taken the opportunity to begin growing into someone that you would be proud to call your wife.  I want to beam.

Both, when I look back...and when I reflect currently...I feel the overwhelming sense of Satan chasing me with the culmination of my bad decisions in life.  The weight is incredibly heavy.  The cycle of my bad decisions takes shape when I allow anger and hurt to rule in my life, over the circumstances that make up my life.  I know it is a burden that can be lifted if I will hand it over and I want you to know that I am working on that.  I know 14 years later, opposing forces would like for me to believe that it's too late, but I'm determined not to let that be truth in my life.  I feel like I have allowed God to snatch up bits and pieces of me throughout the years...and I'm looking forward to seeing what He'll do once I am able to surrender my role as a wife to Him.

Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for marrying me.  Thank you for relocating with me.  Thank you for standing at my side through the births of our amazing 3 kiddos, thank you for walking with me through the loss of my job and through the loss of so many loved ones in 2017, and thank you for taking on the role as a father to a daughter with special needs, and to two amazing sons, with such faith and finesse.  I'm thankful for your desire to live life with me and I'm humbled by the opportunity to grow into my role as your wife.  It hasn't been anything close to what I pictured for marriage, but what all these words have shown me here...is it's our story, it's our journey and I simply cannot imagine if you weren't here today.

❤ your teammate and wife-in-progress

...almost 4 years ago 😘