Taking the First Shift

Today was a good day until around 8:30 tonight. Tessa was in my arms trying to rest, but she seemed very uncomfortable and kept crying out. All of the sudden she started vomitting. It kinda came out of nowhere... no choking, no coughing, just all the sudden. I tried to sit her up and help her and I hollered for Darin. A few minutes later we were able to get her to her changing table and get her jammies off and get her cleaned up. The next thing we noticed was her chest was retracting pretty significantly and her nostrils were flaring. These were the signs of distress we had been watching for in the hospital. Darin went ahead and did her breathing treatment and CPT to try and help give her some relief. She took it all okay and so a little later we decided to go ahead and try and see if she could hold down some of her oral meds. Just moments after we gave her one of her meds, she started vomitting again. She is so weak and so tired and it is incredibly painful to watch her suffer and go through all of this.

All I could think was "why?" Why did all that just happen and now we are going through all this again. Today had been pretty good. Tessa slept quite a bit, but overall seemed to have a pretty peaceful day. All of the sudden things were stressful. What do we do now? Why is she getting worse? How do we both go to sleep without having monitors, and oxygen, and nurses watching everything for us? We have everything we need to care for her here at home except for oxygen and monitors. We do have a breathing machine, we have a suction machine, we are able to do her CPT, and we have all her meds.

Her Albuterol breathing treatments are every 4 hours for a week. The steroid that we also give her through her nebulizer, is every 8 hours for a week. They had said in the hospital that if Tessa was resting well at night, that it would be fine to skip the breathing treatments at night and just start them first thing in the morning. Well, Tessa isn't doing well tonight, so her next breathing treatment will be at 2:00 a.m. I am taking the first shift, so I decided it would be better to stay up and check on her periodically, up until her next treatment.

I talked to Lindsay a couple hours ago. I had texted her, just asking for her to say a prayer for Tessa tonight cause she wasn't doing well. She was asking me about why Tessa's vomitting seemed to trigger the strained breathing, and we ended up talking about how difficult it must be for Tessa to throw up with the residual inflamation in her lungs. She is weak right now. She can hardly control her neck or hold her head up, she can hardly bring her shoulders back and find trunk support to try and gain some stablility during something as exhausting as throwing up. The respiratory virus Tessa has had has caused significant inflamation in her lungs...it is no easy task to for her throw up...so I guess it only makes sense that it is an even harder thing for her to recover from. It will take some time for the virus to run it's course.

So, I am taking the first breathing treatment shift tonight, I am trying to pass the time and stay awake until Tessa's 2 a.m. treatment, but more than anything, I have been searching for peace in my heart for the pain my daughter is going through tonight and the pain she will endure for her lifetime. I don't understand why she has to suffer...tonight or any other time in her life. As her mother, the desire to take it all away, is unbearable, at times. I am searching for peace and for strength. I am searching for answers to questions that I feel hold a greater meaning than what I can comprehend in this moment.

Amy, one of my sister's friends that was over at her house this evening at the time she got my text, sent me her own text about an hour ago...scripture of strength:
Psalm 31:19-22
19 How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you. (20)In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues. (21)Praise be to the Lord, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. (22)In my alarm I said, "I am cut off from your sight!" Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help.


I had been asking God to give me the strength to stay awake and alert until 2:00 a.m. I had been praying for peace to stay calm through the night. I need help to face tonight, but the truth is that my heart also aches for all the pain there will be to deal with in the future. Tonight I need to take good care of Tessa. But this is the calling I have for her for my lifetime. So, as I asked God to give me strength to make it through tonight, He gave me the comfort and blessing of knowing the promise of strength I have for the future...found in Pslam 31.

~Whitney