Wow. Life has been really hard. I never expect it to feel the way it does. And it's usually the unexpectedness of it all that causes so much emotion. For almost 3 years we had a 'normal'...and for the last month....nothing has been normal. Our amazing SoonerStart therapists are gone. The women we saw weekly, that helped Tessa and our family learn and grow...well, they are gone. SoonerStart helped us develop a sense of normal that included therapy. It involved teaching us things to help make Tessa's life better. It involved us all: me, Darin, Parker and Tessa. Over the course of 3 years, we learned how to support each other and encourage each other ~ while at the same time, building incredible relationships with some incredible women. No one can fully prepare you for transition...especially not one of this magnitude. I have many-a-days when I think the state is just SILLY deeming that 3 is the appropriate age for a special little child to transition from one plan of care, to another. Granted, children are incredibly resilient...but 3?....they are still so young.
I don't know how to handle much of anything these days...it's amazing how such a shift in life can do that. I have a sense that what I'm feeling is 'normal' ...but still lack complete confidence in that. I told a friend earlier today that the world feels so small sometimes....like all I have is the Lord and that He is the only one that really gets it. It took two seconds for that to sound as ridiculous to me as it did to you just now. Why and how in the world can someone feel isolated when the Creator Himself understands? That is precisely where I find myself. It doesn't make sense and really I have no explanation for it, other than being ignorantly and insignificantly human. I want so badly for others to understand. I want so badly for someone to say " I know exactly how you feel and it is completely normal". But what I realized today...is that it should be enough that the Lord knows. Not only does He know, but He cares and understands more than anyone. My husband will say, "I can see how that would make you feel that way"...but it's just not quite enough sometimes. Darin is so gracious and so kind to let me feel exactly what I need to feel and when. But still there are so many times, I just wish he would cry with me. I wish the pain in my heart would be so real to him that he can't help but validate my emotion by displaying the same. But how unrealistic is that!?! There is no need for us to be simultaneous emotional wrecks! ;)
I don't know how to handle much of anything these days...it's amazing how such a shift in life can do that. I have a sense that what I'm feeling is 'normal' ...but still lack complete confidence in that. I told a friend earlier today that the world feels so small sometimes....like all I have is the Lord and that He is the only one that really gets it. It took two seconds for that to sound as ridiculous to me as it did to you just now. Why and how in the world can someone feel isolated when the Creator Himself understands? That is precisely where I find myself. It doesn't make sense and really I have no explanation for it, other than being ignorantly and insignificantly human. I want so badly for others to understand. I want so badly for someone to say " I know exactly how you feel and it is completely normal". But what I realized today...is that it should be enough that the Lord knows. Not only does He know, but He cares and understands more than anyone. My husband will say, "I can see how that would make you feel that way"...but it's just not quite enough sometimes. Darin is so gracious and so kind to let me feel exactly what I need to feel and when. But still there are so many times, I just wish he would cry with me. I wish the pain in my heart would be so real to him that he can't help but validate my emotion by displaying the same. But how unrealistic is that!?! There is no need for us to be simultaneous emotional wrecks! ;)
Anyway, I'm just sitting here this evening thinking about the way life has been. Realizing again and again that I am so incredibly human...so in need of a Savior...of His mercy and grace. I believe the Lord is calling me to sit peacefully with Him so that He can assure me that He IS enough. It is enough that He is the only one that knows and the only one that cares enough to allow His heart to break with mine.
I am humbled by His presence in my life....especially when I'm so ignorant to think it's just not enough.
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