This amazing big boy of ours started 2nd grade this week! There is so much to say about Parker Gage and yet I realize how little I end up sharing about him. I'm always kicking myself for not writing down all of his incredible points of compassion, wisdom and humor...but it's not like I'll ever forget, because it makes up who he is, and it isn't going away. I may not be able to recall specifics all the time, but he has an impact on our family that goes deeper than any specific memory I am able to recall.
Since Parker didn't start school until this week, he spent last Wednesday and Thursday with Weston at Ms. Kayla's house. He was more than happy to go along with Weston on his first two days in a new place. And he LOVES Ms. Kayla and her precious twins, so it all worked out great.
Here's a group picture Ms. Kayla took for me of the whole gang!
What happened Wednesday night is a specific moment I don't believe I will ever forget. It rocked my emotions and highlighted the heart of our tender and compassionate big boy.
Parker came to my room after he had already gone to bed and he was crying. It was a distraught, heartbroken cry...and immediately the question marks are flying around in my head. What in the world could have him so upset? He had such a great day at Ms. Kayla's and he was heading back there the next day...I couldn't figure out what could have him in such turmoil.
He began to share that he was worried about Weston. He wasn't sure that Weston was going to be okay at Ms. Kayla's without him the next week. I asked him why and he said that Weston got hurt by one of the twins and that he made a terribly sad face and that he just started bawling and got hurt so bad. (note: in reality, Weston got bonked on the head by accident by one of the twins and it shocked and scared him more than it ever hurt him ~ a typical incident to occur with a 4 month old and curious 15 month olds)
Parker knew it was an accident and he had absolutely no ill feelings toward the twins...but he was deeply concerned with the reality of how much he felt like his baby brother needed him, to protect him and help take care of him.
I started talking to Parker about how Weston was going to be fine and Ms. Kayla was going to take wonderful care of him. We talked about how the twins are young and definitely super curious about Weston, especially on his first day. As we were talking, it was very clear to me that Parker totally understood all that...it was intensely more about Weston...not about the twins...so I dug deeper.
Parker started crying even harder and was finally able to verbalize..."Mommy, Weston is my only chance to have a sibling that I can play with and I don't know what I'll do if something happens to him."
Oh. My.
I felt my heart crumble and instantly had tears in my eyes.
And then he asks ~ "Does that make you cry too Mommy?"
It does buddy, yes, it does.
I get it. I totally get it. And at this very moment, re-living the conversation from that evening is hard. Very hard. I just sat there and immediately thought ~ How do you explain to your 7 year old tender hearted little boy to not be afraid? When what he has seen and lived for the last 5 years is a very delicate life situation for his sister...where accidents and unexpected occurences are rarely ever minor...they don't tend to resolve quickly and naturally...life with his sister does not resemble 'typical'.
Through my tears I was gasping at the reality that what we thought would help Parker have 'typical' experiences, is still in fact, not typical.
Weston and Parker have an incredible bond. Parker is thrilled with every little thing that Weston can do and that he learns to do. I guess we kinda thought having two typical children would help lay a foundation for typical experiences...a more typical situation, we thought. Parker's heart has been molded and changed by his sister...that molding and changing has created the most compassionate and wise little boy...and his understanding and approach to life will always be from that perspective.
When Parker thinks of Weston getting hurt, he thinks of it in a permanent, disabling sort of way. It makes perfect sense, but I honestly never saw it coming.
Parker's heart is continuing to be molded and changed. He is being stretch beyond what he knew and is constantly being prepared for the path God has intended for him.
If there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that God has BIG plans for our big guy.
Before Parker went to bed that night we talked about our plan to share all of this with Ms. Kayla the next morning when I dropped the boys off at her house. Ms. Kayla cared for Tessa in our home for over 3 years...she gets it, she understands. As we were talking the next morning, I told Parker that being there with her and the twins would give him some new experiences with some typical sibling-interactions and that it would be a really good thing for him to see. We talked about how Parker is somewhat lacking in the experiences of children getting hurt or scared and recovering...quickly and naturally. He loves those twins and I think feels a bit like their big brother now too. I'm so thankful for the way God continues to teach Parker and for what He chose to reveal to me too.
Sometimes our plans seem to make perfect sense...and then God chooses to do more.
In Jesus Calling today ~ meant as much for Parker as it is for me:
Wait with Me for a while. I have much to tell you. You are walking along the path I have chosen for you. It is both a privileged and a perilous way; experiencing My glorious Presence and heralding that reality to others. Sometimes you feel presumptuous to be carrying out such an assignment.
Do not worry about what other people think of you. The work I am doing in you is hidden at first. But eventually blossoms will burst forth, and abundant fruit will be borne. Stay on the path of Life with Me. Trust Me wholeheartedly, letting My Spirit fill you with Joy and Peace.
1 Kings 8:23; Galatians 5:22-23
~Whitney
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