Things have been hard. It's challenging to start writing, knowing there is no cute little bow to wrap a post up in. The more days that go by, the more I feel like I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into a pit. Sometimes the pit is stress and exhaustion; sometimes sadness and confusion. It's the place where my mind goes when I can't see past what's right in front of me. It has weakness and desperation written all over it and I think what's particularly scary, is when it feels so indefinite.
I feel defeated. It feels like every direction in my life has suddenly dead ended and instead of feeling hopeful and strong enough to fight back...I want to bury my head in shame. For me, defeat leads to shame. Shame over the fact that I wasn't strong enough to beat it...or wise enough to overcome it. Shame is ugly and has a powerful grip. The biggest questions in my life have come when I've worked so hard toward a goal...when I've faced every day with an assignment that needs my full attention...and then suddenly, it shifts. That shift makes me question...every time. Were my intentions wrong? Did I misunderstand the direction for my life? Did I lose my way and start fighting selfishly instead of with grace? Did I just totally miss the point? Should I suddenly feel punished or reprimanded?
Or maybe....strength means being able to withstand the shift....holding firm with hope and faith....knowing whatever it is, is better off in the hands of The Almighty. I'm so tired of waking up every day wondering when I lost this perspective. Trying to figure out, when exactly, the shame started creeping in. By the time I'm able to find enough clarity, it feels like it's too late...and the reality is that I've been here a while. Shame leads to darkness and darkness, isolation...and before you know it, this environment of the pit, is all around you. The pit is knowing what needs to be done, but feeling incapable of attaining it. Waking up every day wondering if I'm capable of
anything good, is such a miserable way to live.
Maybe writing about it is my attempt to give it less power in my life.
Philippians 4:12-13 (NIV)
"12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty; I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
From Jesus Calling today:
"Fantasizing about future happiness will never bring fulfillment, because fantasy is unreality. Even though I am invisible, I am far more Real than the world you see around you. My reality is eternal and unchanging."
John 14:27 (NIV)
"27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
From Jesus Calling tomorrow:
"Living close to Me is a sure defense against evil."
As bad as I want to wrap this ugliness up with a pretty little bow...there is no bow. Sometimes life is just ugly, and finding the strength to just envision it better, is a chore...let alone depending on yourself to actually make it better. But scripture encourages contentment and peace...trusting in the Lord, and I know in this pit, that is the
very thing my spirit is longing for...
~Whitney
