Two things collided today and resulted in a beautiful mess of tears. I haven't written in awhile, which has held true for me for over 2 years now. It's hard to write when the fog is so thick. I've been through lots of storms and I usually wait until the clouds clear before I sit down and write too much, but while the clouds are continuing to hover, I'm determined to breathe.
My birthday was last Friday. The big 3-7 this year. It was a difficult day for many reasons, but like so many things in life...the difficulty was matched with so much goodness and joy.
Darin got me an Amazon Echo for the days when I'm working at home. I'm not super techie, but he knows how much I love music and it has also turned out to be quite the evening-family-entertainment for the bynumfive. No better way to teach a 4 year old to enunciate before heading to school next year than to have his requests spoken to, and fulfilled by, Alexa. Lol.
This is half of the collision.
I also had the opportunity to spend time with a dear friend of mine yesterday afternoon. We had a delightful birthday lunch and had time to sit and catch up. She's been in my life since before I was a mom...she knows me so well. I'm incredibly grateful for the perspective from long-time friends that love you and love the Lord. While interactions and spending time together may fade over the years, the history and the connection that remains unshaken, is the ultimate gift.
This is the other half.
As Alexa was playing me some old songs that I grew up listening to, I received the sweetest follow-up text from my dear friend. An acknowledgement of how special our time was yesterday and encouragement beyond all encouragement. She listened to me yesterday...and I mean really listened. She gave me time and a space to share and helped me process through some of the changes that have happened over the time since we last caught up. There's never enough time to say all we want to say, but we always both try ;) The minute I finished reading her text, tears came streaming down and then the next song from Alexa was as follows:
Things change, plans fail
You look for love on a grander scale
Storms rise, hopes fade
And you place your bets on another day
When the going gets tough
When the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough
Jesus will still be there
His love will never change
Sure as the steady rain
Jesus will still be there
When no one else is true
He'll still be loving you
When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there
Time flies, hearts turn
A little bit wiser from lessons learned
But sometimes, weakness wins
And you lose your foothold once again
When the going gets tough
When the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough
Jesus will still be there
His love will never change
Sure as the steady rain
Jesus will still be there
When no one else is true
He'll still be loving you
When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there
Song by Point of Grace
I'm struggling in the heavy fog. I'm struggling to feel God's nearness. I'm struggling to find my way back to Him. That is so incredibly difficult to say, because after this long, I'm not sure I realized just how far we can allow ourselves to fall. I guess I was naive enough to think that my relationship with Christ would always trend upwards. The critical element there is, allowing Him in.
Just as the song says "Jesus will still be there", but man, in the middle of the grief and the shame, the intensity brings lies. For me, it tells me that since I'm here, I might as well hang out awhile. That I'm not ready to move on. That if I have fallen this far, the effort to get back to where I want to be, becomes unattainable over time. It tells me that not only am I not loved, I am despised. I am a thorn in sides and a disgrace to those I love.
And I find myself hanging on the words...
A little bit wiser from lessons learned
But sometimes, weakness wins
And you lose your foothold once again
The truth is that I am so very very tired of weakness winning. I am tired of not being who I know I'm capable of being...for not being who I know God created me to be. I long for a foothold.
So, I have a choice...I can hang on to those particular words in the song...I can let those words tell the story of where I'm at and how I got here
OR
I can move on to the chorus.
I can move on to ~
Jesus will still be there
His love will never change
Sure as the steady rain
Jesus will still be there
My dear friend reminded me so simply today that God can help me get unstuck. That He wants me to walk again...to walk with Him again. And the pivotal moment for me was reading the words "ask God what you can do to use this for good. He uses all things for our good and the good of others - especially our mistakes, failures, weaknesses and hurts".
I'm ready to breathe.
I'm ready to move on to the chorus and get unstuck.
I'm ready to ask God to use things for good.
Shame has a way of keeping us from taking a deep breath. Shame also has a way of limiting our ability to acknowledge all the bad, while still feeling motivated for movement forward.
So today I am embracing this beautiful collision of God working in my life.
I will breathe.
I will move on from the verse to the chorus.
I will ask God what I can do to use it for good.
It's never perfect. But it's progress. And to me, progress is the indicator of dependency on God, and honestly, I never want to reach a point of having it all figured out.
