Pondering Me...

I had an interesting conversation with Darin this weekend about who people think I am.  I know, kinda strange, but it happened and it really has me thinking.  I was in a couple of situations recently that were a little awkward and hard for me.  I can't help but wonder, what kind of person do people think I am?  I tend to be a bit pesimistic on this topic...worried that others might think of me as stand-off-ish and rude.  Maybe I am...maybe that's how I come across...maybe it's something that's been brought to my attention because it's something that I need to work on.

It was helpful to read this today: http://themighty.com/2014/08/the-mom-i-would-have-been/.  I think it's hard for me to explain these feelings...but this post does a good job of capturing it for me.  I've never seen this blog before...and I love how relatable it is.  Too many similarities to count.  I love coming across good reads that help explain how I'm feeling without me having to try to put it in my own words.

I have a really hard time interjecting myself into conversations.  I'm not typically the one to just strike up a conversation with the person standing next to me.  I feel like the majority of the time, anything that I could potentially contribute to a conversation, would be highly unrelatable.  I totally understand when she says:  "I would have met and chatted with other moms, making small talk about the kids and preschool and playdates… instead of shying away because I didn’t want to talk about our life of doctors and therapies with them, I didn’t want pity, and I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable." 

We have fought so hard to give Tessa a typical education experience this year...what kind of mother would I be if I didn't pull myself up by my own boot straps and try and be better at typical interactions?  A life of isolation is devastating and I'm sitting here thinking; shouldn't I be trying just as hard for myself, to break out of the chains of isolation?  How can we fight so hard to immerse Tessa in situations where her differences shine and the very purpose God has for her is joyfully shared...and not be opening up ourselves, as her parents, to follow a similar course?

I know how different I am.  I know that my experiences in life are different than yours.  All of our experiences are different.  I believe God designed it that way so that we can learn from each other and be better for each other.  I love getting to know people, but I think the enemy has won over this part of my life for some time now.  God created us for relationships.  He desires connections and community for our lives.  I want to learn how to be bold in our differences...not just for Tessa's sake, but for my own.  It is so much easier for me to see God's purpose in Tessa's life than in my own sometimes.  But wouldn't it make sense that His purpose includes creating me into 'The mom that I didn't know I could be"?  This shouldn't be an excuse to sit on the sidelines and I want to learn how to change that.

So, I'm praying for this part of my life.  I'm praying that God will open me up and use me in conversations.  I hope the next time I feel like shying away because I feel unrelatable, that I will stay and I will try.  Tessa is going to be trying every day at school this year...harder than I will ever have to try.  That reality is more than enough to motivate me to be better.

Here's to trying...
~Whitney

she makes it look so easy :)