Last night, for me, everything came crashing down. Tessa is doing better and we are thrilled...we are seeing improvements with each passing day. And maybe that's why I asked the question...now that she is improving, maybe my mind has a little more room to think/question.
The question?
......
What if she hadn't been right there??? The emotion and fear was overwhelming. I was re-living the moments from Friday night during the seizure, that she wasn't taking a breath, when she should have taken a breath.
What if we hadn't laid her down in her nap nanny right there in the kitchen with us Friday night to fall asleep?
What if we had put her in her room, in her own bed, to sleep that night? The seizure was silent. I only noticed something because I was sitting right there and saw her eyes pop open after she had been asleep a good 30+ minutes. We only reacted because she was silently gagging and it seemed as if maybe she was trying to cough or maybe choking.
As I was on the phone with the dispatcher that night, he had me kneel down by her and say "now" every time she took a breath in. I started and went consistently for a bit....and then a break....I don't know how long the break was, obviously nothing serious in the whole scheme of things...but the way it felt in the moment was long enough to think...to question...if she was going to take another one??
What if she hadn't taken another breath?
What if we had put her in her room that night and never knew what was happening?
What if???
How do you experience something like that and not experience fear? How do you not experience moments of complete despair imagining a different outcome if we hadn't been right there? It's a lot. It had me pleading with time to stop and stand still while I tried to process it all. I told Darin through my tears last night that I know we are not in control. God has made that so powerfully clear to us, time and time again, and we are so thankful that we're not. But the fear...the emotional toll an experience like that can take on your heart and soul...it can feel impossible to overcome.
It can feel impossible and then I am reminded by the One that loves us and created us...that the plans He has for us are good.
Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Isaiah 55:9-11 New International Version (NIV)
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
From Jesus Calling yesterday:
Approach this day with awareness of who is boss. As you make plans for the day, remember that it is I who orchestrate the events of your life. On days when things go smoothly, according to your plans, you may be unaware of My sovereign Presence. On days when your plans are thwarted, be on the lookout for Me! I may be doing something important in your life, something quite different from what you expected. It is essential at such times to stay in communication with Me, accepting My way as better than yours. Don't try to figure out what is happening. Simply trust Me and thank Me in advance for the good that will come out of it all. I know the plans I have for you, and they are good.
The exhaustion from the last week and a half makes it very challenging to process anything...especially the intense emotions and the fear. But what I noticed in scripture last night was that there was nothing but peace and clarity in God's word. He will accomplish what He desires and His desires for us are good. His plans include hope and a future.
The clarity in that message wins the war over fear. I am human, so the fear will exist...but the critical point is choosing to adjust my perspective so that my thoughts and emotions are ruled by these very promises in God's word.
~Whitney